It has been a very long time since I have been here and I have been thinking about blogging for the past few days. The thought of being able to blog was giving me some relief, I mean so much has happened in the months that have passed that I think my soul really needs this....
It has been almost 1 year since I have left the work place and I honestly don't think that so much could happen in life. I mean, maybe I was a little caught up in the 'working' field that didn't have much time to focus on the real world but sheesh.... What a place it is! Reality isn't always pleasant but I suppose we don't have much of a choice other than to solider on.
Before a calamity hits a person, you always think there is no way that I could be able to handle that. Death, illness, mishap... You just think ohhh that poor person how could they handle this? In a naive kind of way you think that stuff happens to other families, Allah give them strength, but REALITY is.... No one is safe!
Almost 6 years ago, we lost our brother Mohamad. Whoever thought that I could be so strong to talk about it now. He was a beautiful soul. Never harmed anyone, helped where he could, had a wacky sense of humour (well being an Abdallah & all) and was just a pretty special lad. We knew that Allah wanted him back. Who thought we as a family we could overcome this? We, us, ME could handle a death in the family? Thinking about it gives me a bit of anxiety but look.. It has happened. We are still here years on, different roles, marriages, houses, jobs... But still here. Life doesn't stop supposedly but I know that the heart is never the same.
After his death, much change took place in our family. There were divorces, marriages, new additions, dramas, excitement... I think his death gave us strength that we aren't here for a long time (as death has no age) and to ensure we did what was right for ourselves.... I would have never thought of it at the time but now I can reflect and believe through this tragedy was some positiveness! I know Allah knows best & he we aren't given a calamity we can't handle so we work with what we have!
The last 10 months have been little full on and well lets just say not the happiest times. We have had some bad news in relation to dads health. He has an incurable illness and had/s to go through different treatment plans. It has been hard to see dad through this, but by the will of Allah he is a fighter. Our religion tells us that the smallest of pain (prick of a thorn even) is an expedition of ones sins. I personally would want to continue this pain & discomfort than suffer in the hereafter!
So, a death & coming to know your father has an incurable illness is pretty full on but more recently - July 25, 2012 we also lost our eldest brother, Yehya (Big Al)! He was the eldest of 6, 50 years of age and again one of the most awesome humans possible. Again, Allah wanted him back. Allah brings you into this world as He wills and takes you as He wills.
The death of Big Al was a bit of a shock, well that is a lie.... a HUGE shock. The way I came to learn of his death was really ugly and those flashbacks are in my mind all the time. I still feel that I am in denial at times. Big Al had a bit of heart issue. He suffered 2 heart attacks, but even though he had this condition he wasn't SICK if that makes sense? This is still very fresh, even though it has been 6 odd weeks I still feel really strange about it all. I think this is the thing that bothers me the most. I am sad, don't get me wrong. I miss him terribly but I am a little numb about it all. Something tells me he is at ease now (insha'Allah) and gives me a bit of tranquility. He died in the blessed month of Ramadan which I believe is a mercy from Allah. Not only are the gates of Hellfire closed (May Allah grant us Jannah) but we are all in the zone and our faith levels are where they need to be!
I didn't see Big Al as much as I should have, but he knew how much I loved him. This is the joys of being a person of showing their feelings! We all get caught up in this pathetic world that prevents us from doing the things we SHOULD be doing. Is this bothering me the most? I honestly don't know.. I am pissed that I can't pin point how I feel. I can't even explain to people how I coped with it all. Do I get angry at myself for not being in tune with my emotions? Perhaps Allah is making it easy for me? Who knows and I probably never will but I had to get it off my chest!
I think today is probably my weakest day since his death. Big Al, worked at Mr M's school and today I was there for a P&C meeting. This is where I saw him most of the time. I just imagined that he would be there today. Expected to see him out the front talking to the other lads... Expected him to come and take Miss A and walk her around the school. I kept it strong but all I wanted to do was cry! There was also talks of an event that could take place that would involve the family and well picturing this event without him made me ill to my stomach! The pic wasn't pretty and well since then.. I've been on the flat. Wishing I spoke to him more often, wishing that we hung out more, wishing that the hurt my parents are suffering eases, wishing his children all the happiness in the world... I mean, to be honest... Today I am messed NUT!
Big Al/Mo - I miss you brothers! I can only hold onto the memories (and the one liners you both had :)) and pray that you are both at ease. I ask Allah to continue to gives us peace in our hearts and allow us to meet with our families in Jannah. I ask that Allah has mercy on the deceased and mercy on us. AMEEN!
Love Love
Mxx
*huge sigh of relief*
